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Napalm & Silly Putty

by George Carlin

About the Book

He can do an extended bit too, most memorably the transcript of Jesus on a talk show plugging his new tell-all memoir about the Trinity, Three's a Crowd. Carlin is funny, but genuinely angry and poignant at times: "You live 80 years and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic," he says. Sad, but about right.

And how did Carlin get into his line of business, "thinking up goofy s---," as he puts it? There's a clue in one entry in this book: "As of 1995 the number of people who had lived on earth was 105,472,380,169 ... it means that at this point there have been almost 1 quadrillion human bowel movements and most of them occurred before people had anything to read. These are the kind of thoughts that kept me from moving quickly up the corporate ladder."

Thank god Carlin stayed low on the corporate food chain and high on his own utterly idiosyncratic ideas! --Tim Appelo

THE NOONTIME NEWS

?In Rome today, Pope John Paul removed his little hat and revealed he has a smallmap of Tombstone, Arizona, tattooed on his head.

?Out at the lake in City Park, police have arrested a one-armed man who wasbothering the other boaters by continuously rowing in a circle.

?Authorities say a severely disturbed geography teacher has shot and killed sixpeople who did not know the capital of Scotland. He is still at large and theyremind everyone the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh.

?A man at a tool and die company died today when he was hit with a tool.

?A Detroit couple is suing Campbell's soups, claiming a bowl of alphabet soupspelled out an obscene message to their children. They state that at first thelittle letters floated around in a circle, and then they formed the wordssuck my noodle.

?Millionaire clothing executive Dacron Polyester died in his sleep yesterday. Itwas not a peaceful death, however, as he dozed off while hang-gliding.

?A large dog exploded on a downtown street corner this morning. No one waskilled; however, several people were overcome by fur. Police estimate that morethan 600 fleas also lost their lives in the blast.

?A woman in Montana was severely injured yesterday when she attempted toforce-breast-feed a wolverine.

?A man wearing a Have a Nice Day button was killed yesterday by a man who worksat night.

?The Centers for Disease Control has determined that the common cold is caused bya tall man who carries around a bag of germs.

?Twenty-six people were killed this morning when two funeral processionscollided. Police say the list of fatalities does not include the two people whowere already dead.

?The Mafia has killed an information clerk because he knew too much. Hisreplacement, appointed today, says he has no further information.

?In San Francisco, a baby has been born wearing sunglasses and holding a smallcan of peas.

?A Milwaukee man has been arrested for the illegal use of food stamps. He wastaken into custody while attempting to mail a bowl of chili to his sister.

?The Bureau of Indian Affairs has announced they have located another Mohican.Accordingly, all the books are being recalled and will be changed to read:The Next to the Last of the Mohicans.

?And finally, here's a Halloween prank that backfired. It seems that littlethirteen-year-old Danny Obolagotz thought it would be great fun to soap thewindows of all the cars on his street. He had soaped seven of them and wasstarting to soap the eighth, not knowing that the owner of the car, EarlFletcher, was seated inside. Fletcher shot Danny in the head four times.

Excerpted from Napalm & Silly Putty by George Carlin. Copyright © 2001 by George Carlin. Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.